My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
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Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right