Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
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Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”