My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
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Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns