jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
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Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.