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person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
A dead goose is called a ghoost
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
🙋♀️
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
channeling her this year
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Lunatics are gonna loon.