Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
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Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
San Francisco has too many rules