You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
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Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
*exercises sarcastically*
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?