can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
You Might Also Like
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby