angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
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Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.