Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine