This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
You Might Also Like
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.