nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
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Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Customize Your Wedding.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.