I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
You Might Also Like
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens