[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
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#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.