One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
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There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Current mood: Potato
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
The struggle is real
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”