Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
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Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
They’re stuck in your pants?
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
My zodiac sign is pistachio
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
These fireworks are awesome! High four!