My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
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Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.