doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
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Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Milk Cube
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
*seductively peels off lederhosen
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes