[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
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If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce