Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
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The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]