You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
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Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
my fav colour is also hitler
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!