The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
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nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.