If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
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if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?