“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
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The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
was Jim off killing horses or…
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.