I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
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If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…