Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
You Might Also Like
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
happy friday
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing