*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
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They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Has science gone too far?
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.