I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
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My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear