MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
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everyone has that one prude friend
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Think I pulled my liver
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.