I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
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I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what