12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
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I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant