I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
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Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Barbie gone wild
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
WHY?!
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein