Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
You Might Also Like
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Okay, I’m still confused…
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Intelligence is the new cleavage