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when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
You didn鈥檛 hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Am I having a stroke?
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
I received my 5yo鈥檚 report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he鈥檚 so helpful! I鈥檓 really proud but also wondering if they鈥檙e talking about the right kid.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.