Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
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Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Watermelon Boss!
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood