“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
You Might Also Like
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.