A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
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Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast