Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
You Might Also Like
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.