Sorry not sorry.
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My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*