ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
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Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Well, this is awkward
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.