My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
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Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
*offers Batman cough drops*
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?