*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
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Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.