Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
You Might Also Like
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”