I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
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I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what