*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
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Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
2022: I can fix it
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.