“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
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Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I really had high hopes for this year though
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.