New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
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I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back