I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
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Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Meow
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
fly smarter, not harder
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms