My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
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chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.