my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
You Might Also Like
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x